How to write a Crack Twilight Fanfiction 101
by Georgiana1234
Summary: Have you ever found your mind wondering in biology? Do you find there is something missing? Are you obsessed with Twilight? Well this is he right fanfiction for you! Let’s get started!


How to write a Crack Twilight Fanfiction 101

AN: I've kinda stolen this idea off LittleKuriboh who recently did "How to make an Abridged series 101" on youtube (incidently they are very funny, do look them up) then again stolen is such an ugly word, I "took inspiration from it."…yeah that's right…

AN2: Please know I do this with heavy irony, there is actually a lot more that goes into my fanfictions : )

**How to write a Crack Twilight Fanfiction 101**

Hi, Georgiana1234 here. You'll probably have heard of my work…no? Well that doesn't matter because I'm here to talk to you about you! Yes you! Have you ever found your mind wondering in biology? Do you find there is something missing? Are you obsessed with Twilight? Well this is he right fanfiction for you! Let's get started!

Step 1: Destroy the Characters

Read Twilight, this one is rather self-explanatory, familiarise your self with the characters; get to now endepthly how their minds work. Their habits, their likes, dislikes even email Stephanie Meyer a couple of times with evasive questions to get into the mind set of the characters she worked so hard to build and shape then…forget it all! Angsty teenage vampires aren't funny!! That's not gonna win you favourites!

Step 2: The set-up

Put your new, comical family into a very difficult and challenging situation (danger is always funny!) preferably revolving around Bella or Edward (let's face it, who cares if Esme can't find her favourite white blouse but Bella…now that's a whole different fanfic my reader). For example let's say the Cullens are at the beach (this is about the time where you get a million reviews saying "wouldn't the Cullens be too scared to go to the beach, they'd go all sparkly" but remember my friend, you have abandoned all aspects of the characters, sparkly Emmett doesn't exist only the one that says things like "hey Bella, let's go ice-skating!" to improve plot!

"_Hey Bella, let's go ice-skating" Emmett whispered into Bella's ear. Edward was finishing "Bellatopia", a glorious mound of crafted sand complete with mote, drawbridge and little Edward-look-a-like guards. _(Edward's overblown personality trait is that he ridiculously overprotective of Bella, that's right Stephanie Meyer! Weep into your keyboard!!)

"_I dunno Emmett…" Bella looked over the top of her sunglasses at him, "I kind of promised Edward I'd stay here." She glanced at Edward nervously _(come on Bella; that doesn't make for a good plot. Activate over the top Bella, scared of nothing!) _"But sure…I hear that they have one in the main square._

Step 3: Involve the reader

Now you may be asking "How does Georgiana1234 make readers feel so involved and included?" Good question, I simply answer directly the questions which I guess are in your heads, hell I'm doing it right now!"

_You may be thinking "Hey how come the Cullens are at the beach when there is clearly an ice rink someplace?" Good question! _

Step 4: make up loads of ridiculous back-story!

Everyone likes back-story!

_And to answer that question we must travel, way, way back in time to that very morn when Bella stormed into Edward's room with suitcases. "There's an ice rink!" she bellowed! Edward blinked and hastily stuffed the Spice Girls' album he had been examining down his shirt. _

"_W-w-what?" _

"_You head me…they've set up and ice rink!"_

"_Well it is minus 10 sweaty." Edward purred, making to get up but deciding against it when he felt the cd threaten to slit down his front. He leant mock-casually against the back of his sofa. "Why don't we go, it'll be fun, I'll get the padding…" _

"_I am not going ice-skating in July!" she tossed her head back, picking her suit case back up. "So I'm here to tell you I'm leaving."_

"_Leaving!" Edward scrambled to his feet and the spice girls' cd fell with a crash to the floor and cracked down the middle between Ginger and the rest of them (Edward was too aggrieved to appreciate the symbolism.) _

Step 5: Obscure references

Now listen to this cos this is important. You must try to squeeze in as much semi-obscure pop culture references as possible, e.g. postman pat, Fagin from Oliver!, jack the pumpkin king, the Eurovision song contest, and my personal favourite the spice girls which I like to think Edward is semi-obsessed with. This is especially good if you are writing to American readers who will not understand practically anything you reference, the chavs. What is a chav my American amigos? Precisely!

"_Leaving! W-w-w-why! W-w-w…" _

"_Why? Why!!" Edward cowered against the sofa "I can't stand it here anymore" She strode over to the window, pulling up the blind. "It's snowing Edward, snowing, in July!! I need sea, sand, sun!" And so the beach…it was not that bad, thought Bella looking around at Edward's desperate attempt. They had been shielded by the snow, which had reached blizzard point by now, by a large wind breaker and although she wore an arctic parker over her swimming costume she was at least by the sea. _

And there you have it; a perfectly woven back-story with almost no relevance to the plot at all and lots of lovely, delicious spice girl references (and absolutely no continuity as Bella has just said she will go with Emmett to her apparently loathed ice rink, ah well…)

Step six: The plot

Now you need a nice delicious and juicy plot with plenty of misleading cliffhangers so that people will keep reading. And remember always right your fanfiction late at night or very early in the morning to make it extra weird and add lots of typos that will keep those wonderful flames from devoted fans coming. Let's take our (let's face it) lame example of Emmett and Bella's little trip to the ice rink.

_Half an hour later Bella was clinging onto the side of the rink. _

"_Come on Bella!" Emmett pulled at her arm but she clung ever more tightly (_let's just ignore that Emmett has super strength for now shall we?)

"_No, no, no! It's slippy!" Emmett rolled his eyes. "I can't do it!"_

"_Coarse you can, watch me." Emmett_** scated**_ backwards and flipping thee times in the air, landing on his ass with an ice shattering crack_. (Slapstick is always funny no matter what mature people say)

"_Emmett!" Edward yelled as he ran onto the ice. "Give me back my girlfriend!" Rather a lot of people were staring now and Bella buried her bright red face into the railing, deciding to make it her new home. Edward slipped, pirouetting himself round to stop from falling and did a backflip to land in the splits to where Emmett still sat (even though ice rink officials were fencing off the large whole in the ice) The crowd around them applauded and whooped and Edward looked round him in surprise. He did several laps of the rink, twirling and gliding (one with Bella on his back to her displeasure) before people started flocking onto the ice, hoisting him above there shoulders. Edward grinned round at Bella who sat down defiantly by the side of the rink. _

"_Show off" she muttered._

Step Seven: The ending

So Edward is an ice-skating sensation how are you going to end the chapter? Why with a witty and incredibly hilarious punch line/ pun but whatever you do don't let the chapter trail off into nothingn…

Step Eight: Continuing your writing

Once you've written, oh I don't know 29 fanfictions or so of such fanfictions you are guaranteed to be a pint size internet celebrity which is believe it or not as meaningless as it sounds! But the most important thing about writing hideously long crack fanfictions is that after a while you must stop writing them! That's right stop! Leave months between each chapter and blame it on your impending GCSEs (which are in a week btw aaaaaaaa). And if I can do it anyone can. This has been Georgiana1234, until next time, keep reviewing!


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